Talking with parents about mental and physical decline

Many of us have struggled with how to say the right thing to a loved one or haven’t said anything at all, because we’re not sure of the response we might get—anger, resentment or simply an unwillingness to discuss the issue.

As an adult child, this is often a line we are not sure when or how to cross. It may be that you interact frequently with your parents, or only see them a few times a year, but you start to notice changes and have safety concerns. The society of Certified Senior Advisors (CSA) cites these as the most difficult topics to broach:

• Needing to leave home
• Giving up driving
• Having enough money and financial issues
• Maintaining health and well-being

For many reasons, changes occur as a parent ages or faces physical and/or mental challenges in life. Start by doing some homework and reading about the red flags you see that are the catalyst for your concern. Set up a time to talk with your dad, when it fits his schedule and seems to be his most alert time of day—often morning or centered around mealtime. Let him know that it is a difficult conversation for you, but that you value his feedback and want to be supportive of his needs.

Have courage and be honest with him about your feelings. This shows you respect the values he has taught you in life, while addressing the concerns you have. Your approach should be direct, but not accusatory or judging. By exploring answers and solutions together, you are likely to get better outcomes.

CSA offers the following as a sample agenda:

• Acknowledge the difficulty of the situation and identify changing roles.
• Identify difficult subjects.
• Look at the facts. Be gentle and sensitive. If there’s any resistance, back up and create a safe space before proceeding.
• Ask questions. Look for ways to have your parent control the conversation.
• Identify the outcome you’re both looking for and the future you want to create. Be open to your parents’ thoughts and thinking outside the box.
• Inquire about what would help your parents create the next stage as the best part of their lives.
• Concrete action items can leave an opening for your next conversation.

Written by Amy Natt, MS, CMC, CSA