Ask the Expert Q & A: Child Caregivers

Q: My brother and I are now taking care of our 92-year-old father. He lives about two hours from each of us, but we take turns coming to see him on the weekend. He is adamant that he remains in his home, where he has lived for about 25 years. We are noticing that he needs more and more care, but each of us works and cannot be there during the week. Last week, he had a fall, and it was chaos. We all have different opinions about where dad should live and what care he needs. Can you help?

A: Many children of the baby boom generation are facing a similar issue. According to MetLife, there are about 10 million or 25 percent of adult children now caring for an aging parent. It is becoming the norm to have parents live into their 90s and having to determine the best way to care for them. The number of siblings involved and the number of parents, including stepparents, needing care can complicate things. The good news is that there are conversations starters and more resources available.

Open communication and planning are two of the biggest keys to success. Waiting until a crisis happens to create a plan is typically the more stressful approach. Care often becomes a family affair, and that means you have multiple opinions and emotions to sort through. Knowing what your father wants and finding the resources to make that happen will take some work, but it is worth the effort. There are many questions to ask and a real cost associated with many of the solutions. Time, money, emotion and your own health are all factors in the equation. Here are some things for your family to address:

• What does dad want and how can you best meet his needs? Consider using an online planning guide, such as AARP’s “Prepare to Care” or “A Siblings Guide to Caring for Aging Parents” by the Family Caregiver Alliance. An aging life care professional, care manager, social worker or senior care adviser can also help assess the situation and develop a plan of care to meet immediate and future needs. They can help you facilitate the conversation and ask the right questions.
• Who will be the primary caregiver for dad? Will this be one family member, multiple family members, paid professionals or a combination? This may be determined by legal documents such as a power of attorney (decision-making authority), proximity or time and funds available. Defining clear roles now may prevent conflict later. Typically, one point of contact is helpful and that person can share information and sort through opinions.
• Hold a family meeting. There is no need to put off this task until there is a crisis. Set up a time to meet and discuss potential issues, possible resources and identify what concerns exist. Do not make assumptions about who will provide care or push someone into a role they may not be willing or able to take on. This should be a time for listening and understanding.
• Get a good financial picture of what dad’s resources are. Creating a plan means knowing what income, savings, and possible funding sources are available. This has a significant impact on care setting, type of care and how long dad might really be able to remain at home. It will also trigger other financial planning decisions that might need to be made now.
• Know your family dynamics. We all have trigger points for conflict and history in our families. Identifying and understanding those will help avoid increased conflict that could have a negative impact on caring for dad. Bring in a neutral third party to help navigate these challenges.

Caring for an aging parent can be hard work, but it can also be very rewarding. Many adult children have feelings of guilt and want to give back to a parent who has provided a lifetime of love and support. Others harbor hurt feelings over past conflicts. Adult children are often pulled in other directions by work, family, distance and financial obligations. There are many ways to support an aging parent and many available resources, so be realistic and create a plan that you can all feel good about.

Amy Natt, a certified senior advisor, and geriatric care manager can be reached at 910-692-0683 or amyn@agingoutreachservices.com.