This is not an easy conversation but should take place as soon as possible. As an adult child, it is very difficult to see your parent in a position where she may not be able to care for herself. Some have more difficulty accepting these changes than others. It is very important that she feels comfortable talking to all her children about her medical care. It is up to her adult children to create an environment where she feels safe and free from pressure to make decisions based on her children’s desires instead of her own.
As the primary caregiver, you have an opportunity to have these conversations with your mother on a day-to-day basis. Listen to your mother when she tells you about her desires to limit care or even seek care when her health declines. It is not advisable to wait until a crisis arrives as the adult children may not agree on what they feel is the appropriate care for her. Schedule an appointment with your mother’s physician who can provide valuable insight in this matter. The physician can offer realistic expectations and confirm your mother’s ability to make these decisions even with mild dementia. Next, schedule an appointment with an elder law attorney and have a living will completed. Allow the attorney to ask your mother about her choices in different scenarios. Before signing the document, your mother can meet with her children and inform them of her decisions are and why. If your mother feels pressure from her children, the attorney can be helpful in offering her the opportunity to speak for herself and provide an objective opinion to the adult children.
It is equally important that your mother appoint a Power of Attorney. This person will be given the authority to make decisions for her when she is no longer able to do so. This person will have the information from the living will and the authority to make decisions accordingly. Your mother should chose the person that she feels is the most trustworthy and able to enforce her wishes even when others may try to intervene. This is not an easy role to play when siblings are involved but with the proper planning and conversations, all matters are discussed beforehand and hopefully arguments can be avoided in the future.
Written by Donna Brock, CMC