“Sometimes I feel, sometimes I feel,
Like I’ve been tied to the whippin’ post.
Tied to the whippin’ post, tied to the whippin’ post.
Good Lord, I feel like I’m dyin’”
—Whipping Post (1969), The Allman Brothers Band
There are 78 million baby boomers in America, and 40 million are already over 65. Even though many boomers are working longer than they expected, a significant number are already retired or can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
What do you think your boomer retirement will be like? The upside is that we are healthier and will live longer than previous generations. The downside is that many of us have not done a good job of planning for the financial side of retirement.
Maybe you expect to have more time to travel, play with those new grandchildren, play more golf or attend more entertainment events. You know you might have to take a part-time job or start a little side business to supplement your income, because you haven’t saved as much as you probably should or could have, but whatever that side hustle is, it’ll be something fun, something you’ve always wanted to do.
You also know you’ll have to be more frugal, maybe downsize your living arrangements and dine out a little less frequently. The budget will be a little tight, but you can make it work.
Then, Dad passes away and you worry about Mom living alone. Or, Mom starts repeating herself, forgets to take her medications and cannot remember where she parked the car at the mall. Maybe your spouse has a medical episode that looks like it will be short-term, but turns into something more serious than expected.
Remember that light at the end of the tunnel? For some boomers, that isn’t the light of the retirement promised land, it’s the headlight on a train coming at them … caregiving.
Caregiving CAN be a wonderfully uplifting and even healing experience, but, not all the time and not for everyone. For many caregivers, the verse above, from The Allman Brothers Band’s song, “Whipping Post,” may be a perfect characterization of the caregiving experience and their lives.
Here are 10 ways caregiving can turn your boomer retirement into something different than you hoped:
- Family care: Increasingly, the trend in caregiving is to understand that more likely than not, you and your family will do most of the caregiving. Today, only 6 percent of older family members are cared for in a facility setting.
- Caregiving and cash: Family caregivers save the nation over $500 billion every year. However, the experience is not free to the caregiver. According to a report at caring.com, 18 percent of caregivers of family members with Alzheimer’s or some other type of dementia “are likely to spend $20,000 or more per year on caregiving expenses.” Forty-two percent of caregivers report spending $5,000 or more per year on caregiving expenses.
- Caregiving impacts work: Mom can’t be left alone, and the cost of hiring sitters is prohibitive, so you and other family members cut back on work hours to care for her. Or, you quit work. That means less overall income and fewer contributions to retirement funds.
- When to help: Dad thinks he’s fine even though he leaves the stove on, forgets he has a lit cigarette on the table and wears his shirts inside out. “I’m right as rain! My driving is fine,” Dad says.
- Family clashes: If you think arguing with that loved one about the Carolina/Duke rivalry is contentious, wait until you start talking about who stays with Mom over the weekend, who pays for a caregiver, or what kind of care she really needs.
- Overwhelming tasks: Wandering, incontinence, violent outbursts and negative reactions to medicines are all potential caregiving experiences you may have to face.
- Changes in perception: The parent who was always a rock, the spouse who was a true partner, the grandparent who always had a smile and a slice of cake for you, those folks may be gone, forever. Now, even though your heart tells you those people are in there somewhere, your experiences tell you they are burdens.
- Spiritual impact: A stressful caregiving experience can be a wonderful opportunity for your spirituality to uplift and support you. Or, it can be the supreme test of calling your faith into question.
- Lone-soldier syndrome: “Asking for help is a sign of weakness, you can do this! None of the other family members can do as good a job of taking care of Dad!” Caregivers are not unlike firefighters, police officers or soldiers. They spend most of their time facing and dealing with one crisis after another.
- Caregiver Burnout: Depression is so common among caregivers that there should be T-shirts saying, “Caregiving = Depression.” Sleep deprivation, overwhelming challenges, not eating right or taking your own medications, isolation, financial burdens and conflicts with family, friends or healthcare professionals all have emotional and physical consequences.
Caregivers may not face all 10 of these issues, but the two best actions you can take to minimize or alleviate the possibility of the experiences are the same actions you used when thinking about retirement: anticipation and planning. If you spend a little time applying the question “What if?” to the 10 issues and developing a plan to deal with each situation, it’s more likely you’ll be hearing The Allman Brothers Band singing, “Blue Sky,” “You’re my blue sky, you’re my sunny day,” rather than “Whipping Post.”