Life goes on: Five stages of grief

After the death of my mother in October 2012, I knew things would never be the same. I was right. Everything changed but in spite of that, life does go on. Speaking as a member of the Sandwich Generation, I want others to know just how and why things changed. My hope is that you will not feel alone and be forewarned about the unexpected.

We all make promises to our parents with intentions of keeping them no matter what happens. I made lots of them. As time passes, unfortunately, the level of dedication to keep those promises diminishes. We all have a tendency to revert to our old routines, bad habits and get too busy with our own drama to remember them in detail. Although this is human nature, the guilt of losing that dedication is overwhelming. I remind myself almost daily of things I promised and how I should do a better job of following through on them. There are not enough hours in a day to do that. So, at the end of the day, there is an overwhelming sense of guilt. Promises unfulfilled.

Holidays are the worst. We don’t really have them anymore. We didn’t eat dinner together at Easter, and some family members didn’t come for Christmas or Mother’s Day. It only reminds me of how all of our family traditions were wrapped up in my mother.

Avoidance has been the key for me. I stay busy with anything to keep my mind occupied and to not think. Everyone in my family is a world class workaholic, so that has become a lifesaver. Even the dreaded housekeeping and yard work have become welcome chores.

I say all this to remind you, and myself, that there are people who are still here. There are people who depend on us to function and to support them. Some handle the changes better than others. There are those who need us to help them return to a semblance of normal.

For the guilt, my mother would forgive me for not yet fulfilling all of them.
For the holidays, there are still children who need us to make memories for them.
For the avoidance, there is no special advice for that one. People deal with grief in their own way. That is my preferred method at this point, and it is working thus far.

It is also important to recognize the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural. Not everyone who grieves goes through all of these stages. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage in order to heal. So don’t worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in.

Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.

Look after your physical health. The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll also feel better emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.

Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s OK to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also OK to laugh, to find moments of joy and to let go when you’re ready.

Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or life cycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.

I promise to forgive myself for my failings. I hope that you can do the same. Be sure to tell those you love how much you love them. Enjoy them while they are here and build on their memory to make new memories for those who remain. Stay busy if you must and grieve in your own way. Moving on is the hardest part but ask for help and seek guidance and counseling to help you deal with the loss. Things change and new memories have to be made, but no one made a rule that we have to do it alone.

Donna Brock, a certified care manager with AOS Care Management, can be reached at 910-692-0683 or donnab@aoscaremanagement.com