Starting the Life Planning Conversation

Many people find it difficult to have conversations about age-related topics, yet it is something we will all face one day.  It may be a spouse, friend, parent or sibling, but we are all aging, and eventually, must tackle some of the challenges. Some things will be in your control, but others may not be, and so, all you can do is prepare and make sure your wishes and directives are well-documented.

The first step in doing this is opening the door for a productive conversation. There are so many important topics, including:

• the type of care you would want or do not want
• who will have authority to make important decisions if you are unable to
• your finances and the ability to support the care you need
• available resources in your community
• what happens if you or your husband can no longer stay at home
• or whom to call when a crisis occurs.  

Start with two words, “Let’s talk.”

The following discussion tips might help get the conversation started:

• How do you find the right time? Typically, if you are asking when the right time to start a conversation is, the time has arrived. It is much easier to discuss difficult subjects before there is an immediate need.
• Is there a meal you typically sit down to together each day? Coffee? That might be a good time to talk. Turn off the typical background noise and make some notes prior to help guide the conversation.
• What is the best time of day for you? Typically, morning or early afternoon is best.  Avoid late day, when both of you may be tired. Cocktails and conversation might not be the best mix, so avoid evenings if you typically have a drink or two. You may find that there is no perfect time.  If things are always getting in the way, schedule a day on your calendar and stick to it.

What words should you use?

• Take ownership by saying, “I would like to talk about a few things to help put my mind at ease,” or “Would you mind sitting down to help me?”
• Show empathy by saying, “Our future is very important to me, and I realize we are not as young as we use to be, and while we are getting by today, I would really like to talk about our tomorrows.”
• Be educated by offering, “I read an article about the importance of planning for successful aging, and I made a few notes of things I thought we could talk about to make sure we are prepared.”
• Be prepared. There are a lot of great guides online that provide conversation starters. Order one, and use it as the point of conversation, such as, “Hey, I received this great guide on planning for our future and thought we could work on it together.”

How to take action on decisions?

• It is so easy to procrastinate. Set a goal of what you would like to accomplish and a date to meet that goal, such as, “We can complete one chapter of this guide each week, and by the end of August, we should be able to finish it.”
• Put pencil to paper. Talking about decisions is great, but start keeping notes and writing down the things that are important to you both as you plan. Make tangible notes of the decisions you make. Have legal documents been put in place, what funeral home you will use and what will it cost to get the care you want?
• If all else fails, get a third party involved. Your attorney, financial adviser, physician, adult child or an Aging Life Care™ Professional may all be options for facilitating a conversation on important issues.

The important thing to keep in mind is that there will come a time when you have missed your optimal window for planning and discussing what you may or may not want as you get older. Planning and making some basic decisions is the best way to remain in control.

If you choose not to make decisions, you are essentially giving up this opportunity and giving that power to whomever may be acting on your behalf in a crisis. You are putting loved ones in a position to guess what you might want, what type of care you might want and what setting you want to be in when you need more care.

Take the bold step of having the conversation now. Discussion leads to decisions, and decisions lead to action. Taking those steps toward action will keep you in control of your future.

If you are looking for a comprehensive life planning guide: Click here to view or print a free planning guide online.